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12:55pm 29/05/2004
  i went to the BOATS/From Here On Out show last night with emily. it was wow. theres a HUGE difference between a mosh pit with 300 people in it (like at blindside) and a mosh pit with like 30 people in it. the guys last night were flailing everywhere... i got 2 of my earing ripped out and i got hit in the head to hard that i saw light for a sec lol. and i fell like 4 times and got kicked in the shin... and it's swollen to the size of a baseball. i moshed with andy's gf annie. it was awesome.

i want to go to the sullivan show tonight!!!
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07:24pm 24/05/2004
  all new entries will be friends only. so if i dont have you on my friends, post and ill add you.  
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03:32pm 20/05/2004

what decade does your personality live in?

quiz brought to you by lady interference, ltd

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08:50pm 18/05/2004
mood: queer(NOT like paul)
today went pretty well. except for the part in creative writing where jenn and i read a "certain someone's" livejournal and found out that he did a "certain something" with a "certain someone else."

Dad picked me a little early from school to go to the orthodontist...im getting an orange retainer yay! haha. the hottest guy was in there with me. he had eric cress hair (a little shorter though) and a lip ring. gahhh lip ring. *drools*

When we got home dinner was ready, and for some reason, my brother and I broke out in "Bohemian Rhapsody." The whole thing. During the "I see a little silouette of a man" part, mom and dad and maggie joined in and it was a most excellent family time. lol. we were actually happy for once!

Then I went downstairs and slept. And wrote some of my story. It's going excellently. I ate a popsicle, and um... now im here. But I gotta go cuz dads being an ass like usual.

Spanish keeps me sane.
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03:25pm 17/05/2004
09:37pm 16/05/2004
  today turned out to be fucking spectacular! I hung out with "my friend" after church, and we got bored, so we decided to dye my hair. we rode our bikes to cvs, then to the video store, and my hair is now a blackish purpleish color. its kinda weird cuz my black highlights from b4 grew out a little, so its more purple on top and more black on the bottom lol. but it looks cool. AND......... i got online and didn't even look to see if ryan was on! yay for letting go!!
i'm glad im seeing julie 2morrow.
she deserves a huge hug.
03:29pm 16/05/2004
mood: i trust u! yay!
i just got back from youth group.


i am happier today than i have been in the longest time. we talked about trust, and did a hardcore version of the "falling backwards trust thing". ben fixed my guitar, but i didnt have a high E string so he took it home and is gonna get me some stuff. he's gonna borrow it for the show with dan's band. tim, ben, and dan are like the most incredible people i kno. it is with them that i can totally let go, and i dont care about what i look like, what im wearing, or how much i weigh. i'm so genuinely happy when i am with them, and it's the most awesome feeling to know that i have friends that have been there, and will be there for me every step of the way. (I LOVE YOU GUYS! 16 YEARS AND STILL STRONG BEN AND TIM!)

summer festival is going to kick church butt

well, i'm off to do a project and then lay in the back yard and try to tan while blasting blindside.

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i'm tired of writing every song about you.   
08:31pm 15/05/2004
  These two are so in love, they just light up my face. Wrap my arms around your ribs, can't break this embrace.
_Feeling Left Out_

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's ...lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
_Goo Goo Dolls_

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for...
_Brand New_

And even if her plane crashes tonight
she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea
Jess (Ryan), I still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you
And all this empty space that you create
does nothing for my flawless sense of style
_Brand New_

Theses lyrics pretty much sum up how i've felt today. You have to look deeper into them though. It's not the obvious.
im a sucker for anything acoustic   
11:59pm 13/05/2004
mood: fuckin awesome
today was fucking awesome.
half day.
then hung at jesse's house with him, meesh, and kevin and recorded "Your Baby."
came home and showered and did meesh's homework.
finished my essaY (5 minutes ago)
talked to ryan. (frigatebirds hell ya)
drank tea.
printed smith's esssay (a-/B+) haha
killed my voice.
buffa asked us to play at her graduation party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gahhh it was an awesome day.

buffa's graduation
sabrina's graduation
summer festival at church with Ellipsis (fucking dan and craven and theo's band!)

hell ya.
07:26pm 12/05/2004
mood: indescribable
i can't describe any of my feelings. i took a nap when i got home and woke up in a complete emotional wreckage. mom, being the most fucking wonderful person that she is, started reading some fucking book about dating and won't stop asking me questions about ryan. so i'm sitting her once again, with my eyes stinging from my tears, just wanting everything to be over with.
the end.
and that's how i feel about this matter:   
10:43am 11/05/2004
mood: sldkfjlsirfsd
f-f-f-finally back in the computer lab with jenn and her LSD vision computer. ryan's going drinking on friday, and he's probably gonna fuck a drunk girl. well... good for him. he deserves someone who will lower herself just to feel loved.
sorry that i wasnt her. i'm just worried that he's gonna do something stupid like let kyle drive him home when theyre both drunk. lksajdfljsladjflkasjfs
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08:37pm 09/05/2004
  i hate mother's day.
my parents almost killed each other int he car. mom cant understand why i'm angry with them. i fucking hate all of this.
06:33pm 08/05/2004
  paintball was fun. it rained, so it was incredibly muddy, and incredibly slippery. there were a bunch of troy high kids there. ldskflsfjdlsd. i most definitely missed linz. its not the same without her. but i shot a bunch of kids, talked to cool joe, the leader of the clarkston church, and froze to death outside with ryan hedquist, carrie, and meesh.
got shot a lot.
fell in the mud.
mmm hmm.
satisfaction at its finest.
10:08pm 07/05/2004
mood: mother fucking moron (aka me)
i was in ryans basement, and because I wouldnt let him finger me, he decided that it would be a great time to say that "it would be better if we broke up." we went on a walk, and i knew he was gonna say it. we sat down in the woods on this beautiful bench thing, and he basically compared me to Angie, and said that she corrupted him and shit and omfg. he said so much shit and it hurts. he cried, which made me break down. i balled my fucking eyes out and got mascara all over everything. it feels like shit to kno that someone used you and then broke up with you BECAUSE YOUR NOT A FUCKING EASY WHORE. omfg angie totally screwed me over. so when I was back to my semi-normal self (blurry eyed, shaking, and about to throw up,) we went deep into the woods and set it on fire. lawnmower gasoline works wonders. we had this terrible fire going, and ryan was about to run, but i told him we had to put it out. my pink converse are almost dead on the bottom. so we went back to his house, wreaking of smoke, and his mom thought we had been smoking pot, and still thinks we were smoking pot. its so great. he fucking dumps me, sets the woods on fire, and makes his mom hate me again. then he told me, "this feels weird. it doesnt seem like we've broken up." which makes me believe that he never had feeling dsfkjslfjljdljlsfjdl;uet;fpkwajdglksjd for me at all.
i stole a thorn from a bush.
i might use it later.
yia yia picked me up from his house and i sobbed while shopping for capris at kohls.
then i had a terrible greek salad which i promptly threw up when i got home.
i feel like shit.
taco should have fucking died.
i'm going to go cry my fucking eyes out and prepare for a day of bloody mayhem 2morrow (paintball) and other shit.
mother fucker.
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tonight we're gonna party like its 1999   
09:09pm 06/05/2004
mood: yeeeeeehawwwww!

babysitting 2morrow until like 7ish.. then woo hoo!!! movies with ryan (finally) then off to kyles for a night of jello funness hahaha. jkjk.  the power's finally back on.  yayayayayay!!!!  maggies a bitch maggies a bitch maggies a bitch!!!

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10:48am 06/05/2004
mood: CREAZY
i've decided that for my "life column" for creative writing i'm going to write about how i'm in love with love. with bryan, i can definitly say it was love... its lasted for wut? 6 years? but with james... maybe it was just the fact that i had him... i think i was just in love with the time we had... which is kinda weird considering i never saw him cuz he lives in lansing. i thought it was love, but i think my heart was more involved with my emotions and not him. well, that really didnt make any sense, but i kno wut im talking about. so ha. and jenn, thank you for reading this over my shoulder. love ya lots.

AND BEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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10:47pm 05/05/2004
mood: annoyed
it seems that without you i try to be myself but find myself being no one.

i typed that a while ago and just read it and thought it was kinda cool.

as for now it is late, and I should be going to bed or checking the laundry or asking sabrina how things are or doing my ecolog. but id rather waste space and brain cells to type this meaningless garbage.
i miss you, miss you   
10:16pm 04/05/2004
mood: lonely
i want to go back to the first few days when Ryan asked me out. our relationship seems old. it seems distant. i cant go without seeing him for a whole week anymore. its starting to cause me pain, and I kno he feels the same way cuz we talk about it all the time.

but oh how i miss his immaturity.
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10:40am 04/05/2004
mood: dirty
at school... again. im feeling a little better about the whole thing with ryan having cancer... he has to stay out of the sun so that it doesnt progress but he should be fine. pleeeeease pray for him! lkidjflkjs this is a weird day. i'm gonna try not to be so trippy in spanish like i was yesterday.
later bitches.
08:57pm 03/05/2004
mood: stunned
i just took a really long shower and i felt totally relaxed...and then Ryan tells me that he might have cancer. everything inside of me totally broke down and i felt numb. cancer. i don't know what to think of it now.